An unfulfilled desire to have children can be very stressful for the psyche. But there are ways to cope.
Difficulty in conceiving can be hard to cope with. Those experiencing infertility can feel lonely and misunderstood, since the topic is rarely openly discussed. However, being confronted with infertility is not as uncommon as many think. In Switzerland, around 7,000 couples seek fertility treatment each year.
Experiencing infertility can have an impact on psychological, emotional, and social health. In this article, we take a look at how infertility can impact the psyche and suggest some coping strategies that may be helpful.
The Stress of Infertility
Many people have a desire to become parents. If the pregnancy test is then repeatedly negative, this can have a major impact on couples on an emotional and psychological level. If a couple is still able to conceive a child after a year of regular, unprotected sexual intercourse, this is called infertility. The causes of female and male infertility can be varied, and in some cases, the infertility remains unexplained.
An unfulfilled desire to have children can affect both partners on different levels. We've created an overview of how infertility can affect emotional well-being, relationships, and lives as a whole.
Emotional stress
Having difficulty conceiving can be a great emotional burden and cause of stress. It can also be difficult to go through the process of fertility testing, and to receive a diagnosis of infertility.
According to one study, signs of depression and anxiety are more pronounced in women experiencing infertility than in women who are not. In this study, these feelings were related to age, social worries, relationship stress, and financial concerns (for example, due to the cost of fertility treatment). But increased stress levels are also common in men with fertility problems.
Another study found that men and women differ slightly in their coping strategies when dealing with infertility and the stress it causes. Women are more likely to be proactive, take responsibility and seek support. Men, on the other hand, increasingly rely on emotional distancing, self-control and planned problem-solving. An avoidant attitude (i.e. not wanting to deal with the situation) was associated with increased stress in both sexes. On the other hand, the use of support, the attempt to actively do something to change the situation and emotional distancing led to a lower perception of stress.
Confronting infertility can lead to feelings of shame, guilt and low self-esteem. For many, infertility remains a lonely struggle because, while it is relatively common, it is still a subject that is rarely talked about.
Outside pressure
Couples or people who are involuntarily childless can feel pressured. This can be related to personal goals or to external factors such as the expectations of relatives and friends. Feeling that you are at a stage in your life where you are expected to have a child can be stressful.
It can also be difficult to deal with when others are having children. Seeing other people become parents may cause feel jealous, angry, or sad. Whether you're visiting friends with a newborn, spotting someone walking down the street with a baby, or following someone talking about their child on social media, your emotional reaction is valid.
Loss of control
Many like to plan their lives in advance. Unfortunately, not everything can be planned and controlled, and unforeseen things often occur. We also do not have full control over our own bodies and we usually cannot determine for ourselves whether and when a pregnancy occurs. If you are unintentionally childless, you may feel a loss of control, which can be very stressful.
Strain on the relationship
An unfulfilled desire to have children can be a stress test for a couple's relationship. Beyond feeling sadness about not conceiving, a diagnosis of infertility can also cause strain. It can happen that you or your partner feel inadequate and are afraid that you have disappointed each other. Feelings like sadness, frustration or anger can come up. Tensions can also arise when you are deciding whether to begin or continue fertility treatments.
In a situation where both partners are struggling, it may be difficult to find the right words to support and comfort each other. In such situations, it is particularly important that you communicate honestly and openly with each other, and give each other compassionate support. Acceptance and openness to each other's feelings can strengthen your relationship and help you through this challenging time.
Stress from fertility treatments
Beginning fertility testing or treatments can also be stressful. In addition to the financial aspect, the psychological consequences of the examinations and fertility treatments are also a stress risk. Diagnoses received about physical causes, such as fertility disorders, a disturbed hormone balance or even a miscarriage, are often difficult to digest. Scheduling tests and treatments, and the two-week waiting period after an assisted insemination (when you don't yet know if the insemination was successful) can also be challenging.
It is particularly important that your feel cared for and supported emotionally during examinations and treatments, such as in vitro fertilisation (IVF). You should receive empathy and transparency from your treatment team, including a good explanation of all treatment steps.
How can the psychological effects of an unfulfilled desire to have children be dealt with?
Couples who do not want to have children often have to deal with a wide range of emotions, such as sadness, shame, frustration or guilt. It is important to understand that such feelings are normal in this situation. Here are a few things you can do to better manage stress and uncertainty.
Get counselling
In many cases, counseling from a qualified psychotherapist can help provide couples or individuals with emotional support and help them manage stress and anxiety. According to a meta-analysis from 2015, the use of mental health care is associated with lower psychological distress and better clinical pregnancy rates. Many fertility centers offer individual counseling sessions and psychological support to people and couples affected by infertility. You can develop strategies with mental health professionals to manage your personal situation.
Fertility treatments can feel very intense—especially if the pregnancy doesn't go as quickly as you'd like. It is not uncommon to feel overwhelmed. A therapist can help reduce stress by preparing you for potential challenges and teaching stress management techniques. Counseling can also be useful for navigating your emotions if treatments are unsuccessful.
It is important to understand that an unfulfilled pregnancy does not mean the end of a relationship or a happy life. A therapist can help you and your partner work through disappointments and suggest ways to continue living a fulfilling life.
Talk about it
Infertility and an unfulfilled desire to have children can be very stressful and it is often difficult for those affected to talk about it. However, it is important to reminder that there are many people who are going through similar experiences.
If you choose to be open about the topic and your struggles, your loved ones may be able to give you and your partner the support that is needed. This openness can also help to eliminate misunderstandings and misconceptions. For example, it is often assumed that infertility is mainly due to the woman. In reality, it has been found that male factors are involved in up to 50 percent of infertility cases.
If talking about your experiences feels too draining, you can also communicate by sharing resources, such as our article for how to support someone experiencing infertility. The important thing is that you choose how much you want to share and with whom.
Join a group
It can help to talk to people who are in a similar situation and share ideas. In one experimental study of heterosexual couples going through IVF, having guided group conversations about infertility and treatment had a positive effect on stress levels. The level of the stress hormone cortisol was significantly lower in women and men who joined a group than in the control group.
Whether online or in person—a lot of things are easier together. Since experiencing infertility can feel isolating, it may feel good to connect with others who can empathise with your challenges. Infertility support groups exist in almost every city and are a great way to support one another.
Practice self-care with yoga or meditation
Doing something good for yourself, like practicing yoga and meditation, can have positive effects on your mental health. Yoga, meditation and deep breathing exercises can noticeably increase well-being. The exercises help to calm the mind and reduce stress. This can significantly reduce the cortisol level (the stress hormone in our body).
Get informed through specialist literature, online resources and podcasts
There is a lot of information online and offline on the subject of trying to conceive. Specialist literature and scientific articles are a good way to learn more about the medical and emotional aspects of having a child. Scientifically proven information about causes, diagnosis, treatment options such as artificial insemination or insemination, as well as the psychosocial aspects, can clear up many ambiguities.
Forums and websites run by experts are also a good source of information. Here, you can exchange ideas, ask questions, find support and access helpful resources. If you are someone that likes to learn by listening, you can look for a podcast that focuses on fertility; these may include expert interviews and personal stories from others dealing with infertility. Listening to personal experiences of people who eventually had a child can also provide feelings of hope.
Set boundaries
If you notice that an unfulfilled wish for pregnancy is putting a lot of strain on you, start setting limits. Setting boundaries may include telling loved ones that you are sad and wish to avoid speaking about your situation. If you are finding it difficult to be around friends or family with children, you may wish for less contact at the moment. Ask for their understanding as you take some space for yourself. It can also be helpful to block content on social media that stirs up negative feelings in you.
Do what makes you happy
Try to do more of what makes you happy. Pursue your passions and hobbies, try new things and spend time with people who are good for you. Doing what fulfills you and your days is a natural mood booster and helps to create a positive mindset.
Conclusion
An unfulfilled desire to have children can be very stressful for affected couples and individuals. From feelings of sadness and loss to anxiety and depression, the psychological impact can be varied and of varying intensity. For many, this loss of control is difficult to deal with, the couple's relationship can suffer, fertility treatments can be challenging, and everyday situations (like meeting friends with children) can feel difficult.
Depending on your individual situation, it can be beneficial to seek support. Counseling from a qualified therapist can help manage the emotional challenges associated with infertility and restore well-being. Support from family and friends, self-help groups, getting enough information about the topic, and relaxation exercises can also help.
Would you like to learn more about how to deal with infertility? Then feel free to contact our medical and fertility experts. We are at your side for everything to do with the topic of having children. Reserve your spot for a free consultation today.
